Blind Belief

It is known fact that our worst critic in this life is the one we look at each day. The eyes that cast the most judging glare are the same eyes we stare into as we brush our teeth, our hair or any reflective surface as we pass judgement on ourselves to ensure we are presentable to this world.

I am no exception to this fact. I can find the error, the fault, the flaw or even the disappointment in almost anything I do. Knowing how harshly I judge my best efforts in some of my most passionate work it becomes and overwhelming feeling when someone can look past those judgement and see into your heart, can see the perfection with blind belief.

My 80 year old grandfather gave me the book presented in the photo below not because it was my birthday, Christmas or even graduation or promotion. He simply stated that he couldn't imagine me not having my own copy. This act of kindness doesn't seem out of the ordinary for a grandfather to a granddaughter unless you know that my grandfather has lost the majority of his eye sight to the harsh cruelty of aging. So why would he give a book about stunning taking stunning photography? I know when he looks at my photography he doesn't see the clarity of the pixels, the depth of the aperture, the contrast of colors or even the starkness of a breath taking black and white print. What I missed judged because I was too busy pointing out every flaw was a man seeing a talented passion with his nothing more than his heart.  Thank you for the lesson Pawpaw! xoxo

Chasing Rainbows

Have you ever chase a rainbow? Maybe as a child or maybe it was last week right after a terrible rainstorm when you let your childlike enthusiasm look past the the down pour and you only fixate on the beautiful colors in the distance. At that moment when you feverishly ran after the idea of catching the rainbow for the soul purpose of standing directly under the center in awe of all it's beauty and wonderment and found to your disappointment that no matter how hard you ran the rainbow remains just out of your grasps.

Chasing rainbows for me might as well be called "chasing me dreams." I have big dreams and big plans for my future but no matter how feverishly I try to run after them I never seem to catch them. They are just out of my reach being blocked by what is deemed to be logically, not knowing where to start or simply the obstacle of fear!

For me, having a successful career was/is my dream. Some little girls want to grow up and be Cinderella but I wanted to be the woman in the corner office wearing Donna Karen business suite. Because that is my dream, I have spent the better part of the last decade chasing after my career within my current company.  Knowing where the starting line was set for advancing my career goals within this organization was easier than finding my own address on Google Maps. It was simple, you must have an education, continue to grow, develop, become a respected leader among your peers, build good relationships and eventually you will be a few latter rungs higher. The details were so precise it removed the guess work and fear of the unknown; however, the only thing that wasn't mentioned was that this recipe wasn't a guarantee or promise of success. Merely a "suggested path" or the one "most recommended" due to the proven success of others.

My goal was to be successful, to chase after my rainbow and in the end be standing with my pot of gold enjoying the view of the colors. So I have followed the "suggested path" and dedicated myself to higher education, business books, peer feedback, multiple career moves and perfecting my the art of "choosing your words wisely." All of these things have helped transform me into the business professional I am today; however, it has become very prescriptive rather than the passionate, exhilarating feeling of  "chasing your dream."

How did I get so far off course when I followed the "suggested path?" This has been the question I have been asking myself for the better part of 2012/2013. If this was my dream, my goal, then way didn't it feel like a success? Why didn't it feel as if I had captured my rainbow and won my pot of gold?

When I started asking these questions of myself I started an unraveling process self discovery that opened the door for me to begin to understand why I hadn't been able to reach my rainbow. During my quest of self exploration I learned that reaching my rainbow had more to it than conquering the "suggested path" I had built my life around. I wasn't inspired! I wasn't passionate about what I was leaving behind or putting out into the world. The path I had chosen did contributed to my business success but it had lead me down a path were I had neglected my personal success. I had lost focus of all the other elements that made life important. I had educated and expanded my brain through schooling, books, training but left my heart and passions in the dust. The artistic, fun, charitable girl was lost in the forest the minute I started to only chase after the "red" stripe at the top of the rainbow.

Now that I have started to unravel the mystery of  what it means to "chasing my rainbow" I now have a better understanding that I have to chase after all the colors, all the elements in life that are equally as important. I now understand that it is the multitude of colors that glisten beautifully against the background of a harsh world full of schedules, judgments and the need for approval that makes us stand in awe and want to chase after it for ourselves. I now understand that I will only reach my rainbow and pot of gold once I have embraced who I am within all the layer, in all the colors because in the end I am the rainbow.

Not till we are lost...

It is strange how things come into your life at just the right time.
On the heels of my previous post I stumbled across this quote while cruising Facebook this morning.

Picture Source - Facebook Post -Not owned

Another Day, Another Year, Another Chance for Explosions

It  has been a minutes since I have had the opportunity to sit down and transfer my thoughts to my blog. Over the last couple of weeks several events have taken place and the only moments I had found where the words were at my fingertips ready to be blogged happened to be between the hours of 1 AM and 6 AM. Some would say that true writers should write when the words, images or creativity take over; however, this hobby writer enjoy hers beauty rest way too much to drag herself out of a nice warm bed. If this were my "day job" or in this case it would be "night job" I may feel differently but alas the time came, went and here I am now.

Catching up on the past:

The highlight of the last couple of weeks without a doubt was my birthday celebration. At the beginning of February I blew out the candles on another year past and entered into another year of opportunity and hopefully some adventurous, happy "explosions." If you are wondering why I am hoping for a year of happy explosions I should probably add some color to my celebration and my past.

The last four years of my life have been what I would categorize as "searching" years. I know some will read into my quotations and know exactly the thoughts and feelings when I use the word "searching." They will know depths of what it means to be looking for someone who is physically in your presence each and everyday and having no clue where to actually find them. I also know that there will be others who will only by able to sympathize with my story because they have been lucky enough not to experience or they were simple stronger then the little explosions that have had a way of displacing parts of of who I was, my life and my heart.

My life overall I feel has only been impacted by lots of little explosions. The ones that are created from living life and are meant to help you grow into yourself. These little explosions for me are what moved the lines of expectations and sometimes steered me down a different path when it came to friendships, love and even my career. I wasn't aware of the impacts these little explosion had on my life until I experienced the earth shattering, foundation cracking, life changing EXPLOSION. When the air cleared all that was remaining of the life I knew was a failed seven year relationship, shattered heart and a lost soul. It was in the wake of this devastation that I began to question every thought, every choice I had made along the way. After several weeks of internal question and reflection upon the explosion, the damage and the remains I discovered that I wasn't the person I thought I would always be. Not even before and certainly not after. Although I had met the expectations of others, grew into a responsible adult, had a somewhat of a  successful career before I was thirty, had a family that loved me and a handful of the most amazing friends I didn't know and couldn't understand the big green eyes looked at me each day. They were not the windows to my soul but rather the window to a checklist of what I thought others would think was a great person or a great life. They were windows to a self made robot. 

Having this revaluation I did what I do best and put a plan in action to become a  brand new me. The problem with my plan was that I had no idea who I really was and yet I thought that swing the pendulum in the furthest most opposite direction that it could go was somehow be the right answer, the right path. I packed up my life, my cat and moved back to my home state to be closer to my family and old friends. Closer to the girl that I was before the massive explosion. I guess in my head physically being closer to the person I use to be would somehow make it true. The moment I stepped back into my old world I left the girl I knew, at least thought I knew behind. I had a new hair color, new wardrobe, a new way of thinking and after a year of being single I even had a new love. The new me was laid back, wore flip flops most of the year and thought she could live the rest of her life in suburbia. I have to admit that my genius plan was well executed for almost two years before I started to unravel. I was once again behaving as a robot. But how could that be? Why were the same feels resurfacing and why was I still the shell of a person from the years before? I couldn't understand how this had happened. I had turned myself into the complete opposite person and yet I still found myself in place of darkness, void of who I really was.

It took another year of small explosions in my personal life to finally come to terms with the fact that my genius plan had failed. That if I really wanted to be happy in this life I need to discover the real me. Easier said than done but they do say the first step is admitting the problem. I didn't really know where to start so I took the first steps within my career. Since I was a little girl I always said I would have a successful career so I knew deep down that must be part of my truest self. I was right to follow this assumption. As I began to once again excel in my career I also found a strong sense of independence and pride. From this small step outward it gave the the confidence to take a step inward so I could discover the girl that doesn't want to live in suburbia her entire life and really loves high rise downtown living! To discover a girl who wants to try her hand a writing, blogging, and crafting. To discover a girl that can look at her own photography and see the potential for greatness. To discover a girl that wants to travel around the world collecting memories, experiences and a living a life full of "first times." To discover a girl that "needs to know she can still make explosions", that she can dream big and not have to apologize for wanting a full life not just a busy one.

It has taken two years to unravel the cross wires and begin to disable the robot that I so carefully built. But as I sit here today on the heels of my 32nd birthday celebration I am thankful for the explosions of the past and looking forward to making my own positive explosions in the future.

My love, my partner in crime, my best friend (yes, the new love I mentioned before is still my love) gave me the best birthday gift. The gift of music and travel. I can proudly say music and travel are two things that I know and she knows are 100% ME! For the weekend we jumped on a plane heading for Denver, CO for the soul purpose of standing front row at the Ellie Goulding concert. An artist that captured my soul years ago with her ability to write honest, emotional raw songs.  In 2012, Ellie released her Halcyon album and she did not disappoint as I found the words to my story in her song EXPLOSIONS. The music is haunting and the lyrics are soul exposing. In a powerful three and half minute song I am reminded of the pain, the loss, the fear and ultimately the survival. I am reminded that "it's okay to be afraid" and that it's okay that things "will never be the same" because my life is still full of "Explosions."  

"Explosions...on the day you wake up needing somebody and you've learned it's okay to be afraid, but it will never be the same." ~ Ellie Goulding

If music is the way feeling sound...

....then I am in love with the way Tegan and Sara make them sound every time they release a new song/album.

I am not sure I have mentioned this before in my blog but I have a "small" obsession with music. Yes, I am one of those people who listen to songs and can hear my life play out within the lyrics. I spend hours listening to music on Youtube, Soundcloud, Pandora and of course the collection on my Iphone. Similar to a "book worm" I guess you could say I was a "music worm."

Unfortunately for me I was not given a musical talent to accompany my musical passion. So I am left to do what everyone else  and live through the words of some of the greatest song writers. I will say that since I wasn't blessed with the talents of being a singer/songwriter I naturally gravitate towards the artists who have been blessed. Please don't misunderstand, I have an appreciate for all song writers who create beautiful songs for talented singers but my soul finds itself exposed more times than not when by the artists that are brave enough to sing us their personal diaries. The emotions that are captured in the notes, in the voices and in the expressions of the words can be so raw and intimate that pain is turned into something beautiful.

Tegan and Sara is just one example of a singer/songwriter artist that I couldn't imagine my music collection without. I have been a fan for several years and have several favorite songs on each album. Today makes the release of their "Heartthrob" album and I am in love with every song and couldn't possibly choose just one to love.

"I was a Fool" and "Now I'm All Messed Up" are just two examples of the lyrical and musical brilliance on this album. I highly recommend purchasing the entire album!!

https://soundcloud.com/teganandsara/i-was-a-fool
https://soundcloud.com/teganandsara/tegan-and-sara-now-im-all

Sometimes it is all about perspective

I have spend twenty years of my life in Oklahoma and twenty years wanting to live somewhere else. Why am I still here? Good question and the answer is probably simpler than I am about to make it sound. 

I had wings once before and I used those wings to pack up my hopes, dreams, cat, love and found a place to call home on the East Coast. I spent five years loving every day filled with green trees, winding roads, shorelines, snow flakes and even the rain drops. I was in love and like most loves when it is good you  never imagine the day you have to say goodbye. 

Saying goodbye to the place my heart called home was bittersweet. The reasons I had to leave where based on a shattered heart and broken wings. The person I was in those five years, the person that build that life no longer existed and I could no longer remember the person I was before. I could see no other choice but to come back to the place that housed my family so I could repair my wings and remember the girl that had big dreams! 

I have been back in the city now for three years. Since my return I have been exposed to a city that has been transforming not only the city blocks that surround the four walls I call home but the person living within them. 

When I leave this city again (and I will), I will leave once again full of hopes, dreams, ideas and full of life. But this time I won't leave thinking of all the things Oklahoma didn't have to offer me but instead I will remember how this changing city taught me to change with it!

52 Week Money Saving Challenge

Since I am working on living my "possibilities" in 2013 I decided to throw in an extra savings plan in order to jump start my 2014. As all good "budgeting" goes I already have a savings plan and travel savings plan for this year but this money challenge will allow me to grow a separate fund to start of 2014! My hope is to build this habit in 2013 and going forward it can be my "book of possibilities" money!

Here's the challenge!


Source: Unknown - I don't own any rights to this idea or picture  

The first few weeks are difficult to me because I don't normally manage my money in cash. So I have jumped started this savings plan and deposited 15.00 dollars in my savings account for the month of January. I will more than likely end up depositing money twice on month on payday but I love having an outline goal to challenge myself weekly, monthly and for the year!

Here is to joining the millions who have resolved themselves to "spend less and save more" in 2013!