Not till we are lost...

It is strange how things come into your life at just the right time.
On the heels of my previous post I stumbled across this quote while cruising Facebook this morning.

Picture Source - Facebook Post -Not owned

Another Day, Another Year, Another Chance for Explosions

It  has been a minutes since I have had the opportunity to sit down and transfer my thoughts to my blog. Over the last couple of weeks several events have taken place and the only moments I had found where the words were at my fingertips ready to be blogged happened to be between the hours of 1 AM and 6 AM. Some would say that true writers should write when the words, images or creativity take over; however, this hobby writer enjoy hers beauty rest way too much to drag herself out of a nice warm bed. If this were my "day job" or in this case it would be "night job" I may feel differently but alas the time came, went and here I am now.

Catching up on the past:

The highlight of the last couple of weeks without a doubt was my birthday celebration. At the beginning of February I blew out the candles on another year past and entered into another year of opportunity and hopefully some adventurous, happy "explosions." If you are wondering why I am hoping for a year of happy explosions I should probably add some color to my celebration and my past.

The last four years of my life have been what I would categorize as "searching" years. I know some will read into my quotations and know exactly the thoughts and feelings when I use the word "searching." They will know depths of what it means to be looking for someone who is physically in your presence each and everyday and having no clue where to actually find them. I also know that there will be others who will only by able to sympathize with my story because they have been lucky enough not to experience or they were simple stronger then the little explosions that have had a way of displacing parts of of who I was, my life and my heart.

My life overall I feel has only been impacted by lots of little explosions. The ones that are created from living life and are meant to help you grow into yourself. These little explosions for me are what moved the lines of expectations and sometimes steered me down a different path when it came to friendships, love and even my career. I wasn't aware of the impacts these little explosion had on my life until I experienced the earth shattering, foundation cracking, life changing EXPLOSION. When the air cleared all that was remaining of the life I knew was a failed seven year relationship, shattered heart and a lost soul. It was in the wake of this devastation that I began to question every thought, every choice I had made along the way. After several weeks of internal question and reflection upon the explosion, the damage and the remains I discovered that I wasn't the person I thought I would always be. Not even before and certainly not after. Although I had met the expectations of others, grew into a responsible adult, had a somewhat of a  successful career before I was thirty, had a family that loved me and a handful of the most amazing friends I didn't know and couldn't understand the big green eyes looked at me each day. They were not the windows to my soul but rather the window to a checklist of what I thought others would think was a great person or a great life. They were windows to a self made robot. 

Having this revaluation I did what I do best and put a plan in action to become a  brand new me. The problem with my plan was that I had no idea who I really was and yet I thought that swing the pendulum in the furthest most opposite direction that it could go was somehow be the right answer, the right path. I packed up my life, my cat and moved back to my home state to be closer to my family and old friends. Closer to the girl that I was before the massive explosion. I guess in my head physically being closer to the person I use to be would somehow make it true. The moment I stepped back into my old world I left the girl I knew, at least thought I knew behind. I had a new hair color, new wardrobe, a new way of thinking and after a year of being single I even had a new love. The new me was laid back, wore flip flops most of the year and thought she could live the rest of her life in suburbia. I have to admit that my genius plan was well executed for almost two years before I started to unravel. I was once again behaving as a robot. But how could that be? Why were the same feels resurfacing and why was I still the shell of a person from the years before? I couldn't understand how this had happened. I had turned myself into the complete opposite person and yet I still found myself in place of darkness, void of who I really was.

It took another year of small explosions in my personal life to finally come to terms with the fact that my genius plan had failed. That if I really wanted to be happy in this life I need to discover the real me. Easier said than done but they do say the first step is admitting the problem. I didn't really know where to start so I took the first steps within my career. Since I was a little girl I always said I would have a successful career so I knew deep down that must be part of my truest self. I was right to follow this assumption. As I began to once again excel in my career I also found a strong sense of independence and pride. From this small step outward it gave the the confidence to take a step inward so I could discover the girl that doesn't want to live in suburbia her entire life and really loves high rise downtown living! To discover a girl who wants to try her hand a writing, blogging, and crafting. To discover a girl that can look at her own photography and see the potential for greatness. To discover a girl that wants to travel around the world collecting memories, experiences and a living a life full of "first times." To discover a girl that "needs to know she can still make explosions", that she can dream big and not have to apologize for wanting a full life not just a busy one.

It has taken two years to unravel the cross wires and begin to disable the robot that I so carefully built. But as I sit here today on the heels of my 32nd birthday celebration I am thankful for the explosions of the past and looking forward to making my own positive explosions in the future.

My love, my partner in crime, my best friend (yes, the new love I mentioned before is still my love) gave me the best birthday gift. The gift of music and travel. I can proudly say music and travel are two things that I know and she knows are 100% ME! For the weekend we jumped on a plane heading for Denver, CO for the soul purpose of standing front row at the Ellie Goulding concert. An artist that captured my soul years ago with her ability to write honest, emotional raw songs.  In 2012, Ellie released her Halcyon album and she did not disappoint as I found the words to my story in her song EXPLOSIONS. The music is haunting and the lyrics are soul exposing. In a powerful three and half minute song I am reminded of the pain, the loss, the fear and ultimately the survival. I am reminded that "it's okay to be afraid" and that it's okay that things "will never be the same" because my life is still full of "Explosions."  

"Explosions...on the day you wake up needing somebody and you've learned it's okay to be afraid, but it will never be the same." ~ Ellie Goulding