Blind Belief

It is known fact that our worst critic in this life is the one we look at each day. The eyes that cast the most judging glare are the same eyes we stare into as we brush our teeth, our hair or any reflective surface as we pass judgement on ourselves to ensure we are presentable to this world.

I am no exception to this fact. I can find the error, the fault, the flaw or even the disappointment in almost anything I do. Knowing how harshly I judge my best efforts in some of my most passionate work it becomes and overwhelming feeling when someone can look past those judgement and see into your heart, can see the perfection with blind belief.

My 80 year old grandfather gave me the book presented in the photo below not because it was my birthday, Christmas or even graduation or promotion. He simply stated that he couldn't imagine me not having my own copy. This act of kindness doesn't seem out of the ordinary for a grandfather to a granddaughter unless you know that my grandfather has lost the majority of his eye sight to the harsh cruelty of aging. So why would he give a book about stunning taking stunning photography? I know when he looks at my photography he doesn't see the clarity of the pixels, the depth of the aperture, the contrast of colors or even the starkness of a breath taking black and white print. What I missed judged because I was too busy pointing out every flaw was a man seeing a talented passion with his nothing more than his heart.  Thank you for the lesson Pawpaw! xoxo

Chasing Rainbows

Have you ever chase a rainbow? Maybe as a child or maybe it was last week right after a terrible rainstorm when you let your childlike enthusiasm look past the the down pour and you only fixate on the beautiful colors in the distance. At that moment when you feverishly ran after the idea of catching the rainbow for the soul purpose of standing directly under the center in awe of all it's beauty and wonderment and found to your disappointment that no matter how hard you ran the rainbow remains just out of your grasps.

Chasing rainbows for me might as well be called "chasing me dreams." I have big dreams and big plans for my future but no matter how feverishly I try to run after them I never seem to catch them. They are just out of my reach being blocked by what is deemed to be logically, not knowing where to start or simply the obstacle of fear!

For me, having a successful career was/is my dream. Some little girls want to grow up and be Cinderella but I wanted to be the woman in the corner office wearing Donna Karen business suite. Because that is my dream, I have spent the better part of the last decade chasing after my career within my current company.  Knowing where the starting line was set for advancing my career goals within this organization was easier than finding my own address on Google Maps. It was simple, you must have an education, continue to grow, develop, become a respected leader among your peers, build good relationships and eventually you will be a few latter rungs higher. The details were so precise it removed the guess work and fear of the unknown; however, the only thing that wasn't mentioned was that this recipe wasn't a guarantee or promise of success. Merely a "suggested path" or the one "most recommended" due to the proven success of others.

My goal was to be successful, to chase after my rainbow and in the end be standing with my pot of gold enjoying the view of the colors. So I have followed the "suggested path" and dedicated myself to higher education, business books, peer feedback, multiple career moves and perfecting my the art of "choosing your words wisely." All of these things have helped transform me into the business professional I am today; however, it has become very prescriptive rather than the passionate, exhilarating feeling of  "chasing your dream."

How did I get so far off course when I followed the "suggested path?" This has been the question I have been asking myself for the better part of 2012/2013. If this was my dream, my goal, then way didn't it feel like a success? Why didn't it feel as if I had captured my rainbow and won my pot of gold?

When I started asking these questions of myself I started an unraveling process self discovery that opened the door for me to begin to understand why I hadn't been able to reach my rainbow. During my quest of self exploration I learned that reaching my rainbow had more to it than conquering the "suggested path" I had built my life around. I wasn't inspired! I wasn't passionate about what I was leaving behind or putting out into the world. The path I had chosen did contributed to my business success but it had lead me down a path were I had neglected my personal success. I had lost focus of all the other elements that made life important. I had educated and expanded my brain through schooling, books, training but left my heart and passions in the dust. The artistic, fun, charitable girl was lost in the forest the minute I started to only chase after the "red" stripe at the top of the rainbow.

Now that I have started to unravel the mystery of  what it means to "chasing my rainbow" I now have a better understanding that I have to chase after all the colors, all the elements in life that are equally as important. I now understand that it is the multitude of colors that glisten beautifully against the background of a harsh world full of schedules, judgments and the need for approval that makes us stand in awe and want to chase after it for ourselves. I now understand that I will only reach my rainbow and pot of gold once I have embraced who I am within all the layer, in all the colors because in the end I am the rainbow.